I need an outlet. It seems I’ve been struggling with my emotions for some time, as evidenced from my previous posts and a bulk of it is to do with my outlook on life and specifically my relationship with religion. It’s up and down. To me, there’s faith and there’s religion. They’re similar yet not mutually exclusive. I can see some benefit in having a community to support you and keep you in check so to speak but there’s also a lot about the Catholic faith that really stresses me out and makes it hard for me to connect…makes me feel afraid to. I just don’t trust it. Not completely. For one, I think there’s too much of an emphasis on rules. Achieving certain sacraments, doing as you’re expected to and not so much of a relationship focused purely on Christ. In fact, it’s stretched out to include Mother Mary, the saints, the angels…while I don’t see anything wrong with paying respect to them, I sometimes feel that it takes away from Jesus Christ himself. Another thing is how much Catholics go on and on about how this or that isn”t permitted, isn’t safe. For instance, just today I was looking at Catholic Forums and saw people debating over whether it’s alright to listen to music like Enya. Some called it devil worship, said that it could be unchristian or satanic to listen to “new age” stuff while others argued that it simply fell under the genre of “new age” and was just a broad term, and that as long as it didn’t take you away from the Lord or tempt you to do anything wrong, then there was nothing wrong with it. And I agree with the latter assessment. What troubles me, however, is this division and how some are so quick to condemn this and that…it makes me so uncomfortable that some people make me feel guilty or afraid to like certain things because they think it goes against the faith. I think we should be clear on what’s right and wrong, there’s no question about that. But sometimes I think we get caught up in the most absurd and petty things that some Catholics (or just Christians, really) will insist are of utmost significance. It just…sucks. And it doesn’t help that I don’t have a faith community that I feel truly part of. I’m just so mistrusting of it all. I just want a relationship with Christ and I want that to grow, but is it so necessary to involve myself in all these little rules, sacraments, and to feel bad about liking aspects of different faiths e.g. mindfulness/meditation? Just how….how can some people claim something so good as so wrong? Just…what the –? And to know I’m a part of a group of people who can believe that…just disturbs me.So Lord, I ask for you guidance and counseling in this area, I pray to better resolve my feelings or if I’m wrong, to better understand the faith…please guide me, Lord.
Thankfully, these two are not currently together. There’s no beating around the bush with this. I legit hate this man and thank the heavens he no longer lives in the same country. To put it plainly, I think he’s a piece of shit. For the most part, I’ve managed to keep this dislike for him under wraps for the years that they were together. And there are times where I have genuinely tried to like him or at least convince myself that I’m neutral. But I just can’t do that anymore – the trying to tell myself maybe he isn’t that bad or as long as she’s happy… I’m not saying I’m gonna tell her every time his name comes up that I think he brings a whole new meaning to the word prick but I’m not going to deny it to myself anymore. Sure, they’re not together anymore but I did let it slip how I never liked him, ever. In retrospect, I should have kept it to myself but in that moment I couldn’t and I didn’t. She didn’t say anything really but neither did she seem to really want to get into it…understandably. Especially not in front of our other friends at a birthday celebration. Not very tactful, no. But it’s slipped out already so there’s no point in dwelling on it. What did strike me was how much he still made my blood boil. Not once have I ever thought he was really good for or good to her. I’ve not known them to have any real positive impact on each other and oftentimes seen them bicker, miscommunicate and just downright disrespect each other. It was never in my eyes a healthy relationship although they did have what would be considered some “good” moments. The first time I met him, he was reprimanding her for not giving him proper directions to get to our meeting place while she was working. I’ve seen and heard him be insensitive and condescending. I’ve tried to gently share that in no uncertain terms that she deserved better but it fell on deaf ears. Still, I tried. But when he dared to make extremely negative comments of my fiance and engagement at the time despite not knowing me, my partner or our relationship…well, that was the straw that broke the camels back. Years I have tried to give this shit the benefit of the doubt. I have even at some points tried to understand and empathize with him when they were having rough times so as to encourage my friend in the hopes that she would be happy. Now I see that it’s better I said nothing at all. Especially seeing as deep down, I didn’t believe in it. On and off, on and off. That’s how they’ve been and still they didn’t seem to get that their relationship was toxic and they were incompatible. I know we can’t always agree or understand those close to us but even now I truly do not know what she saw in this poor excuse for a partner and man. Still, I should make more effort in holding my tongue. Among many other unfortunate situations involving these two, I still remember her saying why one reason she wasn’t breaking up with him was because he hadn’t done something overtly terrible to leave him by despite her expressing her unhappiness and dissatisfaction that had gone on for a good while by this point. I guess a part of me felt I just had to say it now I think of it. Given their turbulent history of getting back together regardless of their numerous break ups, I didn’t want her to think that was something I approved of. Sure, a person’s relationship is their business but if you claim to be someone’s friend and not say a thing, your relationship with them is arguably no better. Though again, a bit of tact and sensitivity could have been considered. Just…if I could be completely honest with you, I wish you’d treat yourself better and focus on yourself. I wish you knew that you didn’t need him and could do much better without him. I wish you could be honest with yourself and stop trying to defend him. Yes, he has had “some” decent moments in the time you’ve been together. But overall? He sucked. And you’re not to blame.
You’re on my mind again. Always when I least expect it. True, it’s with less intensity but if I dwell long enough, I’ll slowly begin to feel the wounds reopen again. I’d have to clasp at my breast until the raw pain of it all subsided and subdued. You cut deep. You’d think it’d have scarred over by now but no. Peculiar, isn’t it? I thrust you to the side, ignore you, continually tell myself that you no longer mean what you used to but in moments such as these I’m able to be honest enough to myself to admit that’s just not possible. I loved you to the core of my being. I loved you with my soul, my entirety. That kinda thing doesn’t just fade away. If ever. I want to let you go, D. I’ve prayed for it, hoped for it, tried to convince myself of it. But a part of me can’t. When I think of you, I can feel. Through the haze of all these meds, thoughts and memories of you manage to enliven me. Where are you? What are you doing? Do you ever think of me? Did you ever really love me? You disappeared so abruptly once again, as you do. And as always I could do nothing but sit put and let it happen. The ball was never in my court. Total control was always with you. And so you left me, once again, alone and without you to face the world all on my own. Ever since you, I’ve not been able to open up in the same way to anyone ever again. I’ve not been able to feel the intensity. I’ve not been able to love as wholeheartedly as I once did. I’ve never been able to truly depend on anyone but myself. Even as I ready myself for my impending marriage to a wonderful man, who treats me as I deserve, makes me laugh and has all the fantastic qualities in a partner you could possibly hope for…since you, there’s a barrier that prevents me from feeling and loving to the same extent as I did for you. Not for him. Not anyone. You cut…deep. After all this time, it’s still healing. Despite it, I carry on. And when moments like this hit, I muster all my strength to turn my head back from past and into the now. To what’s to come. What lays ahead. To devote time and energy to bettering myself, enriching the world, and nurturing those I love around me. Or at least trying to. I look away so I can redirect my attention from the gushing wound in the hope that I’ll distract myself long enough not to feel it anymore. You’re my Achilles heel, you know.
Sometimes, I still think of you. Pray for you. Hope you’re okay. That you’re alive and well. Sometimes, I wish things didn’t end how they did. But then most times, I see and know why they did. It’s a bittersweet feeling. I close my eyes, lower my head and clutch my hand to my heart. There, I feel a missing piece that will always be with you.
I’ve come to realize that the commitment you give to a relationship you have with another should be no different from the one you have with yourself. The difference, however, is that you’re stuck with one and can’t just ghost yourself when things get rough. You’re put in a situation where you just have to bounce back if you wanna survive and thrive so of course, you put in the effort. If we could just understand that just as we have difficult days where we find it hard to love ourselves, so we will have days where we can’t feel as strongly for those we love. Some days we’re happy, angry, elated, flustered and sad…so how is it that we’re caught off guard when our relationships don’t turn out any different? It’s not always going to be all perfect and peachy. To think so is to believe in an unrealistic ideal that sees the death of so many relationships that needn’t have come to an end if we were to realize our relationships have seasons of their own. Regrettably, this doesn’t seem to be the case. When I look around me, its seems as if lovers quarrel and part ways over simplest things that could have been resolved if they’d been willing to put in a little bit more effort. Why? Because they’re in search of this ridiculous ideal. This illusion of someone they could be with that’s always gonna make them happy, feel good about themselves, and be a breeze to be around. And so they run around in circles, making little to no progress in understanding just what it means to truly love.
Anger. Again. I seem to be consumed by it, and my loved ones are beginning the pay the price once again. There is no going around it. I am abusive, emotionally and verbally. If I don’t stop, I will lose probably one of the best individuals I’ve had the pleasure of coming across. The question is: how? I’m familiar with suggestions such as take deep breaths, focus on the relationship > being right, return to the topic again once calm, de-stress, and so forth to help manage the anger and its consequent impact on others. Being able to achieve that is another thing. I’ve always had a mouth that would go off, had a tendency to manipulate and in those instances would not feel remorseful as I was spewing hatred and obscenities. I just don’t know how to change. It really looks like I’ll have to get back into therapy but with the money being pretty tight at the moment and the expense for that being high it looks like March is a more feasible time to return…I just hope I can help myself along as much as possible until then.
Anger. I’ve always had a problem with it. Understanding it, accepting it, and controlling it. It’s an environment a grew up in. I’m no stranger to it so it’s ironic that I haven’t entirely got the best hold of it 23 years down the road. So I’m writing here again in an effort to help regulate my emotions and understand my thinking. I’m angry at this moment. Just boiling on the inside. For all my talk of faith and Christianity, honestly all I feel in the moment towards our creator is hostility and disappointment. Fuck you, I think to myself. For making it so fucking hard to follow you. Why allow the bloodbath over religion to occur? For allowing doctrine to emerge and develop that justifies some of our acts for killing each other thinking we’re doing right by you. Why leave so many loopholes? For all the shit we have to go through, why couldn’t you make yourself easier to reach? All of this and more for the gift of free will? All I hear in return is that being human I am not capable of understanding God. How is it any of this fair? To be brought into the world and already be condemned a sinner who has to believe a certain doctrine to be saved from something that wasn’t even my fucking fault? To allow me to suffer for shit I did’t start? And to stand by, watch it and allow it and somehow still assert that you love me. I want to believe in you, I do. But there’s so much bullshit about religion that makes it seem more like an illusion or poison than something right and good. How…just how is it that we’re able to justify all those horrid tasks that occurred in the Old Testament. I need a sounder reason, I need evidence to put my soul and life into believing in you. You could just be a fairy tale and I’m torturing myself trying to wrestle with a truth that may not even be out there. Why make it so hard? All of it? Everything? I thank you for the good, while ignoring you allowed the bad. How are you the merciful all loving God everyone portrays you to me? And where are you now to help me? To show me if you really are true and good? How is it that you’re not here with me? That you’ve abandoned me to doubt and disbelief? I feel like those around me are fooling themselves, no one talks about concrete evidence, they just believe all of this in fear of death and supposed damnation. It’s fucking sick, all of it. I’m sick of cherry picking. Religion is divisive and man-made, that’s what the athiests say and honestly God with most people, I don’t see them having any legit reason to believe otherwise. I’m trying, to find out, but deep down I want you to be right and good, I want you to real…and doesn”t that already make me biased in my approach? How can anyone know for sure? Why can’t you just show me? Why make me suffer? Why, just why, make everything so difficult!!!
J1: the hurt, pain, and the emptiness
Am I doing something wrong? I feel like I’m slowly dying inside. Is it just another phase to pass through? I’ll stick it out, of course. But I just wish I didn’t feel so hollow. Like I was constantly missing something. I’m reaching out to the Lord, but I can’t feel him. There’s something stopping me and I can’t quite pinpoint what it is. God, where are you? Why can’t I reach you? Feel you? I’m afraid. I feel cut off and alone even though I know deep down that you’re there. It’s funny how when times like this come, a verse comes to mind. Just now, this particular one did: Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. (Psalm 23:4). A wave of comfort envelops me. I’m still hurting inside, but feel less alone…
2018. Gotta get used to writing that number down on the dates now and rubbing the 7 away. Always takes me a good few months to do it habitually. So here we are, last day of the year and I’m ending this one feeling very loved up. It’s been quite the year, to say the least. I’ve had some of the best and worst moments of my life unfold in 2017. Thankfully though, I’ve come out stronger for it. A more formidable force to take on the upheavals life throws my way. I also realized that I got to travel this year more than I ever have before. Just January this year, I was getting ready to celebrate the New Year in the States, before I headed off to Bali with the girls early in the summer and then to Seoul and Istanbul as the holidays were coming to an end. To top it all off, my love even visited me in late November, and we got to have our own little gateaway (staycation for me) here in Hong Kong as well as a short trip to nearby Macau! It was all very magical. And now I’m looking at the date I’m gearing up to fly back to Istanbul again come late February during Chinese New Year. It’s all so exciting! It’s also my last year at school so I’m hoping and praying that things will gradually become clearer in the next year and I’ll be well on my way to building upon myself and life to come! I’m really very grateful as I recall the year that’s come to pass and simultaneously surprised of what I’ve overcome. Unbelievable really…just to think how much can drastically change in such a short span of time. Thank you, Lord for staying by me and getting me through it all. You and my family, have gotten me to where I am today. I couldn’t have done it without you. And so going into the new year, I pray that I will stay close to you and take all I’ve learned in the last year to heart.