Ever come across an old entry and feel as if the words you’re reading aren’t yours? As I was cleaning up my desktop in a bid to get myself back on track with self-discipline and organization now that school has shifted back into full play, I came across one of mine. It was a bizarre sensation. Quite an out of body experience, in a way. It was like reading the words of an alien, but not quite. Yeah, I thought to myself – I recognize her…but that can’t be me…can it? Surely? And to think that it was roughly around just 3 months ago that I wrote it. It’s almost feels like two worlds. How far I’ve come and how much I’ve developed in mind, body, and spirit. She’s both me and not me. It feels so strange. The more I think about it, the more I remember where my head was at the time – unscrewed. A part of me has this peculiar urge to let her (see, I’m even using third person!) know that everything is okay, to keep pushing through and keep her held high because it truly does get better. And to applaud her for not taking the pills despite how tempting it was to. It also poses a good reminder though. That was a time when I was ready to give up and felt I had lost it all. But here I still am. I tapped into myself and made sure I stayed put. Crazy, huh? Just gotta to keep that drive and thirst for life going. If I went through that, surely I can get through whatever is to come. I felt stripped bare with just my soul to keep. And that’s what got me through – which is why I remind myself every day to put that first. While what I went through was bad, I still haven’t been through some of the worst things life can possibly throw at you – the death of a family member, for example. I know it’s not useful to entertain fears and worries and I’m not but if I’m being honest, there is nothing more capable of knocking me down than the inevitable passing of my father. And so it’s so important for me to take care and ensure I’m whole so I can weather any storm that’s to come. Always, always, put yourself first.
So here I am sipping at my Chai Tea Latte in the local Starbucks store. Jazz is playing in the background and it’s got me in a swinging mood. I suspect I may be on quite the dose of caffeine as I feel the jitters in me.My love for reading has slowly come back to me, and my desire to journal. I’ve surprisingly kept up quite regularly since the year has begun – though to be fair, we are only on the eighth day. Still, it’s a start. I feel the words flow out of me more freely than normal. I’m no longer concerned with the result of what I write. I no longer overthink and simply write what comes to mind – however random and irrelevant. It’s been almost two days since I’ve landed back in Hong Kong and so I’m in the weird in-between stage where I haven’t fully transitioned back into the daily routine of my life here. I don’t feel quite rooted yet, but it’s a feeling that I like. I suspect that it is in part due to the fact that I haven’t yet had to assume any responsibilities and settle into any routine of sorts yet. School isn’t for another couple of days and work isn’t till the weekend. I like that I don’t have my days mapped out for me. It’s nice. I sort of feel like I’m floating in midair without being tethered to any one place or thing. It’s liberating. I’m mulling over how to sustain this sense of freedom once the routine of every day life begins. I’ll find a way. I’ll mix it up and keep it interesting somehow. I need a balance. Hmm I smile to myself as I already mull over where I’d like to get on my next trip. I cant’ seem to stay in one place. While home is where my heart is, and somewhere I’m happy to come back to – it seems my restless soul can’t help but want to leave after a certain amount of time. Travel while you’re young, as they say. I’m broke though so I’ll have to be patient. Spent the last few weeks in the states with one of my childhood friends. I think I’ll reserve another post for my trip there. It’s was a real treat, though. I do miss how friendly and chatty most people were. I enjoy talk of any kind and so was happy to welcome conversation – even just the simple ones that came up as I queued to pay for a purchase in a local grocery store. I wish it were that way there. I miss the openness. Here most people keep to themselves and are rather reserved. Unless you’re at a particular event/party, it’s rare that strangers strike up a conversation. This is probably why I hit up couchsurfing for the meetups so much. Or at least used to before I left for the holidays. I suspect I won’t have much time for that now but I will try to factor a bit in when I can. It is always good to keep the ball rolling, welcoming new experiences and people into your life for however brief the moment. Life is about growth and change after all. I’m writing as I do my morning pages and so this whole wall of text is probably plagued with inconsistency but that’s fine by me. Going to set this down for now since I’ve about a little over 10 minutes left on this wifi clock (they’re a tad stingey here – wifi is available for only 30 minutes) and read up Night by Elie Wiesel. I’m so glad my love for reading has returned. It’s been a long while. Years, maybe. I hope it stays. I can’t seem to not be by a book lately. I’ve missed this feeling. It’s really quite lovely. Alright, best get to it!
Fear. As a species, we’re too afraid of the unknown. As a result, we go to great lengths and hardships to behave in a way or establish a life that we think will enable our ability to control the possibility of any uncertainties arising. And it is this false belief that we have the power and responsibility to control what life throws at us that leads us to a great deal of unnecessary suffering. Some rush and settle what they actually desire for “security” -whatever that may mean to them. Consequently, this leads to a part of their life being filled up by someone or something less meant for them.This unavailability prevents the more appropriate person or experience from entering their life. In time, the rashness of their decision may become apparent to them and resentment may fester. Or in other cases, some may grow too attached to the notion that they have the power to control their life so that when any great unexpected upheaval occurs, they get caught up in how circumstances shouldn’t have turned out the way they have instead of accepting for the events that have transpired to be what is. They may frantically obsess over where they went wrong, and may even blame someone else for their problems.They struggle and refuse to accept the event. As a result, they risk never fully moving on and similarly, wallowing in the regrets of the past. Now I’m not saying that we shouldn’t minimize or do our best to regulate the potential threats to our well-being. Far from it. But I am saying that we shouldn’t get too attached to the false idea that we can truly expect and control what life throws at us. By embracing and accepting uncertainty, we more readily allow ourselves to bounce back from any great adversity. That’s what we’re really in control of – not what occurs, but how we react to it. By embracing and accepting uncertainty, we also open ourselves up to being able to trust that what is meant for us, will come to us. We won’t “settle” out of fear and will instead give ourselves a chance at a life with greater satisfaction. To me, this is an ideal way to live. With our arms outstretched, we welcome into our life an infinite potential of possibilities. Having said that, it is still a way of life I am practicing in living. While I know this to be true, I am also learning to let go of my own fears. It is a way of life I must reflect on each day. But I know it is possible and I see my progress. I have hope that one day I can live without fear.