Old Entry

Ever come across an old entry and feel as if the words you’re reading aren’t yours? As I was cleaning up my desktop in a bid to get myself back on track with self-discipline and organization now that school has shifted back into full play, I came across one of mine. It was a bizarre sensation. Quite an out of body experience, in a way. It was like reading the words of an alien, but not quite. Yeah, I thought to myself – I recognize her…but that can’t be me…can it? Surely? And to think that it was roughly around just 3 months ago that I wrote it. It’s almost feels like two worlds. How far I’ve come and how much I’ve developed in mind, body, and spirit. She’s both me and not me. It feels so strange. The more I think about it, the more I remember where my head was at the time – unscrewed. A part of me has this peculiar urge to let her (see, I’m even using third person!) know that everything is okay, to keep pushing through and keep her held high because it truly does get better. And to applaud her for not taking the pills despite how tempting it was to. It also poses a good reminder though. That was a time when I was ready to give up and felt I had lost it all. But here I still am. I tapped into myself and made sure I stayed put. Crazy, huh? Just gotta to keep that drive and thirst for life going. If I went through that, surely I can get through whatever is to come. I felt stripped bare with just my soul to keep. And that’s what got me through – which is why I remind myself every day to put that first. While what I went through was bad, I still haven’t been through some of the worst things life can possibly throw at you – the death of a family member, for example. I know it’s not useful to entertain fears and worries and I’m not but if I’m being honest, there is nothing more capable of knocking me down than the inevitable passing of my father. And so it’s so important for me to take care and ensure I’m whole so I can weather any storm that’s to come. Always, always, put yourself first.

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