It’s always funny how when I read over an older post to see how different of a mindset I was in then. Sadly,I’ve been pretty down as of late and have got in a bit of a repetitive negative mindset. It’s temporary, I know. All things are but it’s still a shame. I’d been feeling pretty stuck the last few weeks, anxiety has returned and ultimately I just feel as I’ve said…kinda down. Although I’m responsible for my own feelings, no doubt one of the triggers was the reappearance of someone I thought I was ready to leave in the past in my life. It’s a sad story. And it puts me in pain to think about it now. They had gotten in contact, expressed their own dire state and asked for help. I initially agreed but soon found that it was a promise I couldn’t keep. Welcoming them back into my life had reopened old wounds for me and almost instantly the feelings of anxiety, doubt, and sleepless nights had returned. Something didn’t feel right and I can’t quite put my finger on the exact reason why it happened this way. Was it because these were the last feelings I had associated with them? Was it just my gut telling me that what I was doing was a big no-no? Either way, it became clear my well-being wasn’t ready for it. I couldn’t keep that promise. And I’m so sorry for it, but ultimately, I have to watch out for my own health. It’s just how it is. I try not to think too much about it and surrender to the fact that it was the best for me. I’m also trusting that things work out for them in the end. All I can do now is focus and take care of myself. I continue to try to. I feel guilt, of course. I just have to remind myself that I am not responsible for someone else. I hope I can leave this in the past soon. I tend to think that things happen in life for a reason so what then was the point of this? Perhaps I’ll find out later. Right now, I don’t know. All I know is that it broke my heart a little and I have to go from there. I have to tend to it. That’s what I’ve been trying to do especially hard these last few days – spending time with loved ones, listening to healing chanting mantras, practicing mindfulness and meditation, challenging the negative and watering the seeds of the positive. This too shall pass. I keep telling myself that. If anything my last post served as a reminder for that so thank you to the person who last liked it. It sent a notification to my email which brought me back here. It served as a reminder that sometimes things are up and sometimes they’re down. It’s all temporary. Another realization hit me while I was searching for little bits of inspiration here on the web. Not to be morbid, but I am going to die one day. It just hit me. For the first few moments, I was breathing deeply to tend to the anxiety that had arisen in response to that thought but then as I calmed myself I soon remembered that we all were. That not just life but everything around as was impermanent. The circumstances we’re in, the thoughts in our head, the people around us, etc. and there is absolutely nothing we can do about this. Not sure I’d really want to either, living forever is anxiety inducing in a whole other way. But it also served as a huge reminder to stay present. I tell myself this all the time but after a while, the intensity of this realization tends to lessen. It came back in this moment though. Thankfully I came back to my senses and realized that while what I had now wasn’t permanent, and that’s exactly what makes it so precious.
So lately once again, I’ve been struggling with staying present and getting so lost up in my thoughts that days tend to go by in a blur of them. Even now as I sit on the balcony on this sunny day, with the blow of the wind sending the crisp leaves ruffling, and the chirping of the birds flying in the distance, I’m more in my own head. So I’m taking a moment now to draw my attention away from within and focus on all that’s around me. Writing it out seems to go a long way. Perhaps I should take up morning pages again, though I always seem to find an excuse not to follow through with commitments such as these. It’s only when shit hits the fan (pardon the expression) that I tend to take my overall well-being seriously, and that is a great shame for when obstacles come my way they’ll surely knock me off if I’m not prepared. What can I do? Try and try again, make it a priority to regularly practice with a sangha on Sundays. Previously, I have often used to excuse of my workload to not go while I know if I had arranged my time a bit more efficiently and didn’t mind putting in some extra late hours, I could manage. It’s all about priorities after all. So today – here I am sitting before my laptop. This is now. What’s next? Clean my room would be a good start. Read Tolle. He brings me back to myself and helps me remember what’s important. Stay aware when I get overly absorbed in my thoughts, especially if it’s pretty clear I’m living my days through them. Then…hmm..not sure, just taking it easy at the moment since I’ve almost an entire month off. Ironically I’m less inclined to do my work with all this time I know have, so going to really have to work to instill discipline if I’m to go back on schedule. Anyway, that’s it for me today. Let’s get this room done.