What a Day.

Well, to be fair that’s pretty much how I’ve found myself thinking about most days in my life lately. They’ve all been jam packed with the most random of events occurring. To say no two days are the same in my respect would be a proper understatement. So how did my today go thus far? Well, seeing as it’s just 4 in the afternoon, I suppose I have still a bit more in store for me. So much activity. And today’s one of the slower, more chill days. I’m not complaining though. I seem to flourish when I’m engaged in something, rather than when I’m left alone to spiral downwards into the dark abyss of my negative thoughts. Right. Trying to be positive. Focus. Anyway, I’m giving myself a sort of break for a few moments from working with my groupmates on a project due at college tomorrow. It’s been hours that we’ve all been online communicating, the weather outside is miserable (positive – Jethro, be positive), and well…I just need a break. I’m hungry though my sister doesn’t get back with the Thai takeout for another hour or so. My fingers and mind are going a mile a minute at the moment. I can’t seem to catch up with my thoughts. I’ve missed this. So bits of me are slowly coming back. I have a love-hate relationship with being in the grind when it comes to school. Love – how ideas just come to me and seeing how all the information pieces together into one cohesive and kickass product. Hate (or that’s a rather strong word – dislike) the stress that comes along with it. I think I’ve really knocked it down with the perfectionism so the stress is a bit more toned down but I still have my habits when it comes to checking and re-checking my work over and over until I’m sure it’s solid. Which is why I love coming here to write. Free writing gives me a sense of peace and freedom. I don’t feel the need to go over anything again and perfect it. I don’t feel the need to overthink. I just write. For me. It’s wonderful. So anyway, I’ve had a day. I got sidetracked in the midst of writing this and now almost three hours later I’m still on here. I’m tired and my eyes feel heavy. It’s definitely a sign that I’ve been staring at the screen too long but what have you, group projects aren’t going to complete themselves. At least I can now breathe a sigh of relief that the bulk of the work is done. Back to my morning. I awoke with a start when I laid my eyes on the clock. 7:12 am, it read. Mass was going to start in almost 15 minutes and I had to get myself cleaned up, dressed, on my bike and down the hill to the center of town. “I’m always running late!” I called out as I whirled around the house like a tornado. Thankfully, I’ve had much practice with getting up and going (well prior the relapse), so it was off and out the door in no time. The first thing I did when I drew up to the church was to check the time and see if I was late again. 7:26am! Hallelujah! I was not late to church this time. Not again. Father doesn’t say anything when I am, but he smiles. So in I went, said my prayers and worshiped with those around me. Having renewed my faith just less than a month ago, I’m still slowly coming back to learning what I’ve drifted from all these year and I find that the more I’m exposed to, the more I learn, the more questions I have. After the mass had finished, I went to grab a bite to eat before I was to head back and have Father bless my rosary and teach me a bit more about our faith and the significance of the rosary. So straight after munching down a quick bite of mcds, I returned to the church. I pushed open the door and called out to father. He was in his little office on the right. I sat myself down and before I could get another word out of me he asked how I had been doing. So I told him. It had been a while since I had given a proper update on my life and I was in quite the state when I last (and first) did – picture distraught girl breaking down with a hopeless expression and just general demanor that conveyed this lack of faith in herself and in life. That’s another story on its own though, I feel like I say that a lot but there’s just too much to say and too much that goes on in my life. So anyway, I gave him my update – how I understood what it was that plagued me, what I’ve learned, how I’ve been coping with it, how I feel about it all at the moment, and how I really resonated with the teachings in today’s mass. With this part of scripture, in particular, 1 Peter 5:8-9 “Be sober-minded and alert. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in your faith and in the knowledge that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kinds of suffering.”  That’s how I’ve been feeling with my illness, that I have to be on constant alert or it’ll overcome me. That I need to constantly equip myself with a belief that I can survive the day on top. And of course, to remember that I’m not the only one who is undergoing or has undergone this battle. “At least, he’s predictable” is what my sister said to reassure me when I told her this. By that, she means that at least I know when I should be most aware and therefore, prepared – the times when I’m weak so I do what I can to stay strong and so I’m not taken by surprise. Like I said, recovery in itself is a grueling process. I have my ups and then it may be a big down that follows before it goes up again. It’s rarely predictable but I’m trusting and believing that soon it will wane out. At least that’s what father reassured us would be the case during the mass. I can’t quite recall which part of the text he was referring to, but through it, he told us that eventually, the Lord would give us relief from our suffering after a time. We just had to persevere until that time came, and have faith. So I am doing what I can. We were together for about an hour in which I poked and prodded him with whatever questions came to mind. I couldn’t ask much for each question unpacked a landslide of answers I really had to work to keep up with and digest. Picture this: me leaning forward against the desk, ears open, and eyes completely transfixed on what was being said and shown to me. Even so, it takes time and practice. Our talk focused on the significance and use of the rosary, as I mentioned back up there. And that on its own took quite a bit of time. Even now, it has kept me thinking. There’s so much to learn. To reiterate, the more I learn, the more questions I have. I couldn’t help but wonder just how long it takes for someone to get a grip of all of this. “How long have you been a believer, Father?” I asked. “Ever since I was a baby” he answered me in turn. And he was still learning, of course. Just after our session, he was to attend one of his own courses specifically for priests. I’m not too sure on the details. Anyway, time passed quickly and I knew I had to go soon, both for him (because I knew he had a busy day ahead of him with the course he was to attend) and for myself (to work on the project due tomorrow), but I as I was about to leave I had suddenly remembered how just the other day over the weekend my best friend Charlie and I had been strolling along the beachside discussing the differences between our two faiths. I was raised a Catholic and she, a protestant. She wanted to know what differentiated us. I had a vague idea but wasn’t entirely certain. I remembered then as I was leaving that I wanted to be able to tell her the next time I saw her so I asked. Father took a seat back in his chair. Whoops, this may take some time, I thought to myself. And it did, but it was fascinating. The whole morning was. Even now as I reflect, my brain is still working to digest it all. The more I learn, the more I want to know. I keep saying this. But it’s almost as if my heart thirsts for it. And with it, I feel nourished. Of course, understanding is one thing and applying is another. I have to balance it out. I can’t cram my head with wisdom and then not carry it out so even as I thought this, Father said “I think that’s enough for you to take in today”. I couldn’t disagree. So I paid my respects, thanked him for his time, and made my way home back up the hill before getting back into the grind of my work. Now here I am feeling sort of dazed and scatterbrained, as I’m sure my writing reflects. But this is me, and I’m grateful to at least have some of my thoughts back together after the last few weeks. I feel myself returning, and I am happy. I hope tomorrow will be an even better day. JT signing out for the day.

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