Getting Back on Track

So I’m feeling elated at the moment! That’s a big word and one I didn’t think I’d be using, much less feeling any time soon given all that’s passed, but that’s life for you. One moment you’re down, and the next you’re back up again – though maintaining that is a challenge on its own and one that must be tended to if I’m to sustain this stability. The majority of the intrusive and disturbing thoughts my OCD has previously taunted me with have almost completely subsided. They’re still there, but their presence is faint and they don’t distract me from the tasks at hand for any extended period of time as they used to. I shiver when I think of all the days that used to pass where I’d be just waiting for them to exhaust me completely so I could sleep and seek temporary refuge from the horrors that played in my head throughout. I heave a sigh of relief. Fuck, I’m out on the other side of the tunnel. Finally. Jeez. Didn’t think I’d make it. But I did! Whoop, whoop! Hooray! I’ve just taken my first step out into the light and I am overjoyed! Am I 100% cured? No. But I’m out of that hell-hole, and I’m getting back on track with my life. With my goals, and my dreams. Especially in regards to restoring my personal integrity and respect for myself. I’d previously screwed myself over by committing acts and behaving in a way that violated values core to my identity, and I’ve been paying for them ever since. I’ve learned my lesson and so I fully intend on reestablishing my principles to ensure that never happens again. Right – now my dreams, and my goals. I am so relieved my initial focus, drive, and sense of direction have returned to my studies and work. I envision myself completing this degree, completing a TEFL (ideally abroad – thinking Thailand), and eventually finding employment in  SEA countries. That’s what I want by the end game, though I’m not pressuring myself to follow that path immediately or directly. Alternatively, I may just complete the diploma first, as I’ll have to assess my financial situation to see whether or not I’ll be able to continue on with my studies. If not, I’ll try to find employment ideally with a school that places importance upon Christian values before resuming my degree and seeking employment abroad. In the in-between time, I’d like to volunteer abroad teaching as well. That way I can combine both my love of teaching and travel together. At the moment, school is packed so I’m planning to rack up the dough this summer (gonna grind!) so I  can volunteer or teach abroad in the time I’ll have in the second semester next year. I’m gonna map this all out as soon as I get a whiteboard to stick on the wall in my room. I am determined to remain disciplined and focus on achieving these goals and will not be deterred.  Messy entry. Rushing free writing because I feel the need to get it out now. Just a bit distracted given that I’m in class. But boy, does it feel great to have this certainty of what I want again. Fuck yes.

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