“Whatever you resist, persists.” It’s a simple enough concept, right? Terribly difficult to put into practice though, especially when you’ve got an anxiety disorder. For those that don’t know, I’ve suffered from intrusive disturbing thoughts over the last few months since the beginning of March that had left be crippled from within and contemplating death (at the time). Now while it’s less intense and I’ve learned to manage it better, I still can’t shake the residue of what is left. “On edge” is how I constantly describe myself. I’ve been incredibly frustrated with the length of this process of recovery despite having made remarkable improvements back to “normalcy”, or as close as I can get under the circumstances. I realize now that I’d still be resisting how I’d been feeling the entire time by bottling up the fear and anxiety…and anyone who knows about anxiety can tell you this is the exact opposite of what you’re recommend to do. It only fuels more anxiety, which in my case tends to manifest itself into these thoughts…which again, only perpetuates more anxiety, more thoughts and more stress, creating a seemingly never-ending vicious cycle that has left me feeling torn up from within. To protect myself, my heart has gone hard and no longer see or feel the way I used to about the world and life on it. And quite frankly…I am so tired of it. What kind of way is this to live? “Seek, and ye shall find” (Matthew 7:7) is one of my favorite bible verses. It reminds me that I don’t have to stay in this predicament, that there is a way to overcome it. All I have to do is go looking. But to do that, I’ve got to first open my heart to be able to take in whatever I’ve got to learn.
Emotional healing. I need it desperately. As for where it goes from here and how I get that, stay tuned…because even I don’t know.