Had a reasonably rough day yesterday. I say it’s the PMS but my sister accuses me of using it as a crutch. I beg to differ. It’s just that I simply cannot find any other explanation for it. Each month, around the time I’m expected to go through the PMS period, I experience a whirlwind of emotions that make me feel like I’m permanently strapped to an ongoing roller coaster. Then there’s the flurry of racing thoughts which by no means make me feel any more comfortable than I already do, then of course the palpitating heart, the backaches…I could go on. In a nutshell, I’m left feeling like my head is spinning, I can’t think straight and I’m so worried the slightest thing is going to set me off. And if you’ve read any of the previous posts you’d know that I suffer from intrusive disturbing thoughts (now  though, it’s lessened – woohoo!) so the combination of racing thoughts and a fear of a loss of control is less than ideal. Though I suppose the worst thing about the whole ordeal is how negative I am about the world and everyone in it. It’s like this switch of malice, anger, and hate just gets flipped against my will. And I just have to sit in my body teeming with all this heavy energy going on. It is overwhelming. I feel like a hot pot of boiling water that’s been cooking for too long and now the lids about to pop off and I’ve got to make sure I keep the lid on…so yes, on the inside I’d feel exactly as that enclosed pot of hot boiling water would be, ready to blow. So I guess my real issue now is to understand moving forward just what in the world I’m supposed to do. As you can probably imagine, it’s not only my own well-being that suffers during the process but my relationship with others as well. Honestly though, I just don’t know what to do. I’ll be seeing my psychologist tomorrow so I guess I can bring it up then…I’d really like to get a hang on my state when the anxiety just seems to soar sky high. At least…today’s a little bit better so far.

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