What gives?

Another fucking spike. Seriously, what gives? It’s genuinely making me outright angry. I tell myself to cool down but there are days when it can just be really exhausting. Here I am, minding my own business thinking about how I’m having a better day than yesterday when BAM, back with a flurry of those thoughts. I know I’m not supposed to attribute any meanings to them and simply take them as a thought but when you’ve relaxed just a wee bit seeing as things have seemed to improve in regards to my overall quality of life and then having it come right at you like a blazing ball of fire is definitely something that takes you aback. So as you can see, I’m not too hard on myself for not having acceptance be my go to reaction. And I won’t deny my feelings. This recovery process isn’t all sunshine and daises…there are points in time when it is just plain frustrating and I can’t help but resentfully cuss at its re-occurrence and that I even have to deal with it in the first place. Honestly, at this moment I’m feeling what I assume the hulk feels like when he’s raging away. All I wanna do is smash the place up…though of course, the spike hasn’t completely given over to irrationality and there’s my logical side telling me that there aren’t many merits if I do that. Not to mention the shame and guilt I’d feel once I’d calmed down. Obviously, it doesn’t bode well to let the anger stick around for too long because I need to adopt a more progressive mindset if I’m to get back up. But in this moment, I’m in pain and it calls to be felt. Here’s to me getting to guts to open up to it again so it can be released. I won’t lie, it’s a terrifying process what have you, this is my cross to bear.

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