The Greater Shame

To say I feel pretty low right now would be a great understatement. I feel wretched. More than I would have expected. See, the more I come to read about God and feel as if I am coming closer to Him, the more slighted I feel when I’ve knowingly done something I know He would not approve of. How can I identify as Christian when I don’t practice what I preach? How can I say I love God when I disobey his commands? I feel ashamed and alone. It’s the 21st century, after all. This is definitely not a popular opinion at this time. Many would accuse me of being orthodox and perhaps rather absurd to think that such a rule could still apply. “Everyone does it!” or “You’ve got to remember it was written over 2000 years ago! Surely that can’t apply anymore!”, or even “You’re not hurting anybody! You’re doing it out of love!” are a few of the common things that I hear in return on the subject. Of course, it hasn’t really made me feel any better about it. Just because a large majority people condone it and engage in it doesn’t make it acceptable. I’m not going to agree with it on that basis alone. As for the second comment, if we were to think along that line then there’s many other things that we can just disregard in the teachings. And who are we to pick and choose? Surely, God would know that things would change in time…and yet it’s there in His Word. How can it no longer apply? Because most people do it? Because we all think it’s virtually impossible to find love if we don’t give up sex in the relationship? Nah, I just don’t buy that argument either. And so we come to love. And it it’s true, I love him and sex can be so joyful to do together…but if we really love each other…why the hurry? Why not do it in a marriage when we have fully committed to one another? Why not just wait? Why didn’t I wait? Did it do it out of fear of losing my partner? Because if he leaves me over that, then it can’t be true love surely? His desire for sex would have come before me. Did I just do it out of lust? Well…yeah…not a great reason to keep at it, huh? Don’t get me wrong. I’m no saint nor am I under any illusion that abstaining is easy. I haven’t yet succeeded myself. Before coming to Christ and mulling over whatever I could to answer my doubts, I was pretty sexually active with multiple sex partners under my belt. The majority…I regret to say…I didn’t even love. So I’m fully aware of what it is on the other side and I’ve still come to the conclusion that it’s…just not worth it in the long run despite seeming alright and hey, pretty fun at the time. I just ask God to please give me the strength to succeed and stick to what I believe is right on this one. It definitely won’t be an easy task and I reckon I’ll fail a lot…but I pray that I don’t give up and that I keep trying. The worst thing for me would be to just have that nonchalant attitude again and convince myself that “It’s just sex!” because religious or not, I did notice after each time regardless of who it was with, I felt a bit more dead on the inside. I felt cut off. And now that I have come to Christ,  I realize this feeling is one of distance from God. And that’s a far greater shame.


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