Ugh…haven’t been able to get a proper dose of sleep the last few days. Blame on the typhoon and the rainfall splattering heavily against my air conditioner…I’ve had a restless few days no doubt. Not to mention all the tossing and turning throughout the night. You’d think I was in the middle of a wrestling match with some invisible opponent if you saw me…which I suppose isn’t too far from the truth. See, I have been wrestling. And again it’s with my faith. Why is it that the more I immerse myself further into the path that I believe leads to God, the more questions I have and the more conflicted I feel? Hell. Everlasting damnation in hell to those that don’t repent and proclaim Christ as their savior. It’s bothering me. My Muslim boyfriend, my agnostic/”christian atheist (it’s an unofficial term)…is that really what their fate is to be? And how can I live with that? I just doesn’t feel right to sit on the wayside and just let it be if they haven’t the interest, but it’s also counterproductive to push anyone when they’re not ready or not even slightly interested…so…what exactly do I do and how do I not let this bother me? I run the options through my mind. Focus on getting close to God, exercising faith and embodying it in a way that glorifies God…be there for those who are searching (in this case, I really gotta brush up on my biblical knowledge because sooner or later I’m to give accounts to attest to why I believe what I do)…why do I feel that the more I learn, the more accountable I’m gonna be held? So many questions, to which the answers I do not claim to hold because quite frankly, I’m confused. Still lacking in knowledge. Still in some fear and doubt. It’s a process on its own, the path to Christ. Probably nothing up to this point makes much sense but free writing was meant to be more liberating and expressive than to be portrayed in any systematic and logical manner….digressing again…I guess it really just comes down to me feeling afraid for those I love, mixed in with a bit of helplessness over not really knowing how to help them…God, I’m lost. Please guide me. While I feel inwardly stronger with you by my side, I also feel slightly estranged from those I hold most dear. Please save them, God. Please let them see the light. And please tell me what I can do to help.