What do you do? When you’ve shamed and disappointed yourself and God? When you’ve acted the exact opposite of what you hope to be? I’m aching inside. Hurting from the guilt and shame of my actions and words. I’ve been trying to live as best as I can in Christ and yet here I stumbled. I behaved so badly that now I cannot bare to face God. To speak to him, to pray. I feel overwhelming sadness mixed with disgust. I was as if a woman possessed spewing atrocities and screaming damnation at my sister. I was so fraught with anger that my father and sister felt the need to keep an eye on me, should I lay a hand against my wicked sister. Of course, that’s how I viewed her – as a wicked and spiteful bitch. A bible verse comes to mind when I think back on the situation. From Matthew chapter 7 verse 3: “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” Here I was yelling profanities and threatening my sister, harshly reprimanding her for poor attitude and behavior when I was behaving much worse. At least, on the surface. Regardless, I should uphold my own standard. I shouldn’t have taken on the role of judge and the aggressor. The things I said…I can’t bear to think of now. Disgusting. How could I have called her out when I had treated someone so unjustly? I didn’t just stoop down to her level, I surpassed her…and it was sickening. I’m disturbed. To see that side of me and know the anger I’m capable of. The malicious intent…what happened? Wasn’t I on track? How did I manage to lose such control and give in? Just…how? And now, what? What do I do about how heavy I feel? The dejection? God, help me. I know I don’t deserve you. Your love, your mercy. It’s undeserving. I know how I behaved was appalling. And in your eyes, undoubtedly disappointing because first and foremost any sin against someone else is a sin against you. Lord, please, have mercy on me. Allow me to feel the full sadness of what I have done so that I may take ownership of it. Please. Stay with me, keep the light on in the midst of the dark. Shine on me so that I learn from such a mistake and gain greater control of my emotions. Please God, let me live as you please. Please forgive me and change my heart. Please.

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