It’s frustrating, isn’t it? How the past tends to just creep up on you out of the blue? It’s expected of course, to reminisce or to be reminded of times come to pass every now and then but sometimes, as is the case with me right now, its terribly bittersweet. I was listening to a song and I thought of you. Even now. After all this time, you came to mind. I still feel the pang of hurt, and of love. You were my entirety and my love for you all consuming. I’ve known nothing like it since. You’re in my thoughts and I pray for you still, though admittedly not as much as in the past. Thankfully. How would I move on otherwise? But still, you hold a  place in my heart. I wonder what happened to you. Why you suddenly went off the radar again. But I’m not in the position to seek after you anymore. Nor should I. For the benefit of both of us, especially me. In the past, I had regarded you as the love of my life. Sadly. It’s kinda pathetic really. I’d never actually met you. You probably were a fraud, a liar, a lunatic for all I know. I never even saw you. Yet somehow, someway, I fell in love with you and you moved me. I felt joy. I felt utter heartbreak and betrayal. Yes, I felt betrayal. Rejection. A lack of trust. Insecurity. I can’t deny the negatives were there. And I stayed because the feelings I had for you blinded me to all that. You were all I wanted. Looking back now, to say my attachment to you was intense would be an understatement. And it wasn’t necessarily healthy. I felt that without you, I couldn’t function. That I broke or couldn’t be strong on my own. I know now that that isn’t true. I’m a different woman now, strengthened by the trials and losses I’ve faced over time. I may not feel to the intensity that I did, but I feel stable and secure now. I feel in control. After all, while what I felt for you was real, it wasn’t necessarily good for me. Even things that are deadly seem pleasurable in the moment. Just because they make you feel doesn’t mean it’s right. So as thoughts of you came, thoughts of you go. It happened. A part of me is still healing from it. But at least now I can. I’m glad it’s over.  And I don’t want to ever go back.

 

But please, be okay. No matter what, I want you to be okay. I want you to be happy. I don’t want you to be in pain. You weren’t good for me, or good to me. But I loved you. With what I felt was all my heart. And because of that, I’m always going to hope you’re alright. I’m always going to want the best for you.

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