On another note, I’ve been feeling weirdly disconnected lately. From God. I wonder if it’s related to a decline in my mood and a lack of motivation. Maybe, maybe not. I don’t know. I know it did start when I decided to sod it and engage in premarital sex when my boyfriend flew over though. Sin separates us from God, they say. I believe it. At the time, I was just kind of fed up by feeling so restrained and like I was a super good person. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Heck, it’s great to be a good person. I wish I was a better person. But it just didn’t feel like me. Surely there has to be a way to follow God’s wishes without compromising aspects of my personality that I feel are more interesting? I dunno…I guess I don’t really like feeling like I’ve lost my individual identity. I feel like I’ve conformed and flattened my character down. There’s got to be a way to balance it surely? Am I just going about it the wrong way? Viewing it differently from how I really should? I feel frustrated. And when I’m frustrated, I feel caught at a standstill. Argh. Just. ARGH.
Again, caffeine. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned already but I’m supposed to steer clear of the stuff. Supposed to. Yet I never really do, save for days when I’m more anxious than normal. Like on the date of a presentation, for instance. But I shouldn’t really anyway. It spikes me up when I’d otherwise be more calm. So why do I do it? Well, for one, it wakes me up a little. I’m highly sensitive to the weather and what with it being chilly and gray over here at the moment, I’m feeling incredibly lethargic and sluggish…which is another way of saying, downright lazy. In my case, anyway. So I need it. At least that’s what I tell myself. I probably don’t really. I hear exercise is just as, if not more effective when it comes to energizing oneself and bettering mental health so I really should get around to it. Again, here I go with the I shoulds and supposed to…yet it’s often the case I barely lift a finger. When the holidays roll over, I’ll do it is what I tell myself. Previously, I’d been so busy with all the deadlines and the practicum placement that I genuinely didn’t have the time to. But now with that out of the way, a part of me still wants to use that excuse. I finished my last deadline the day before and the exams are a month away so in all honesty, there is nothing but a lack of will power and self-discipline stopping me. Improved health and well-being should be enough of a reason to motivate me to getting around to it but it just isn’t. It’s quite sad, really. That I only really pay attention to my health when it’s under dire circumstances. Shouldn’t be that way. Sigh. I know this, I see this, so why can’t I fucking get myself to do anything about it? My room’s a pig sty as we speak. Doesn’t help in the whole getting my shit together mood. Biggest accomplishments of the day was buying my boyfriend a model of an early plane (he loves planes), helping my sister with an assignment and getting Christmas cards to friends and lecturers out of the way. I could do more. I should do more. There we go again, with the shoulds. Hopefully, when I come back on here – which I suspect won’t be much later, I’ll have made some improvement. At least, I hope I can share that I’ve done my room.
Why am I never satisfied? Didn’t I crave normalcy? Am I so broken? If it’s not one, it’s the other. I should be happy. I have reason to be. So why then, am I not?
Uh, that Milo drink…yeah, for the lactose intolerant it definitely wasn’t the best idea. Can’t help myself sometimes, everything that tastes heavenly to me just happens to contain well, lactose. It’s only after that I cuss myself for having done it again. It’s just that soy or almond milk doesn’t cut it sometimes. Taste wise, anyway. Or maybe that’s just me. I can be quite picky. Hmm on another note that doesn’t involve my stomach troubles and a lack of discipline in regards to what I consume, it’s a swell day. It’s not too hot or cold, the sun is out and there’s a nice breeze going about. No doubt my cat’s realized it’s the perfect weather and so he’s been yeowling nonstop to go out and explore. I try to give him a good dose of the outdoors as often as possible but lately he’s been a bit of handful dashing across the neighbor’s fields and beyond. I don’t fancy climbing over fencing and trekking after him just this moment. I think he realizes this but my cat gives persistence a whole new meaning. It’s almost admirable. Let’s see…what’s on the agenda today…well, I’ve a persuasive speech to work on that’s due this afternoon, and need to attend a class where I’ll be watching a peer perform hers…other than that, yup it’s a pretty chill day so I’ll be heading out after to see one of my bests at her boyfriend’s place with a few others. I say her boyfriend’s place but it’s practically theirs now. He’s leaving soon, the guy. In just a few days time. To Holland for a masters’ program. Won’t be easy for her, no doubt but I reckon and hope she’ll adjust. I just sent my own a few days ago back to Turkey on Saturday. It’s not easy. I’m still adjusting to not having him by me. But a routine, friends, and family definitely go miles in readjusting. Looking at the time now, I’ve less than an hour to get off my bum, get ready, and be on the ferry. On second thought, maybe it isn’t so warm. Well, the thought of having a shower in this weather makes me shiver. It’s only 16 degrees, but that’s enough for me. Never took to kindly to the cold. Till a later post, then.
There it is again, that solid footing. I feel the ground beneath me and now I’m safe. I open my eyes and see myself high up on a mountain. All the world lies before me. Icy mountains stretch out before me, but I’m not cold. The cool wind envelops me in its warmth. In the distance, I see the sea, dancing along with the rhythm of my heart. I am alone, yet I don’t feel that way. God is with me. Behind me. Around me. In me. I’m never truly alone. I let out a hoot and laugh. I step towards the edge, stretch my arms out wide to my side and fall. Eyes closed, I feel the rush of the air against my face, my entire body. It’s thrilling. I squeal in joy and just before I hit the ground, I open my eyes and feel wings burst from my back. Hollering in triumph I spin upwards, swaying with ease to both my left and right. My eyes are on the shore. I’m coming home. At long last. I see them all. Smiling, waiting expectantly. I shoot forward, eyes on all the love welcoming me back.
I’m here on the sofa, craning my neck to get a good view of the screen which I’ve propped up on my lap. My back is aching and my breath reeks of indomie. I feel like a lump of laze today. I’ve not really done anything productive in terms of schoolwork. Haven’t lifted a finger to get even the slightest bit done in my guidebook and yet time is ticking. Abdu will be here in about ten days and so I should get working on my personal goal to get my work done well before the deadlines so I can spend time with him without having the fret about. And yet…here I am just lazing away, not really doing anything but watching and reading over the last two days. I can do better. But I’m so tired. I’ve had two weeks of practicum placement, surely I deserve a break? I try to argue with myself but even I know that the full day before and half day so for today is sufficient enough. I need to push myself is all. The problem is just that I don’t want to.
Just gotta give it time I think. It’ll come and go less frequently. I just have to find a deal when it comes over me again and let it pass over me like a wave. I have no desire to go back. I know that. I am not in love with him, either. I know that. I’m really happy with where I’m at the moment and who I’m with. They’re just memories that waft in and out every now and then.
Why can’t I forget? Why did you suddenly disappear? What happened to you? I don’t understand it. Why do I still fucking care? Why can’t I leave you behind? Why do I still think of you? Why can’t I let go? Lord, what significance is he supposed to represent to me? What is your will? What do I do? Do I just pray? Is that what you want? For me to pray for him? But Lord, how do I let him go if he’s always in my prayers? I don’t understand it. And I don’t understand why I feel called to do it. Or am I just imagining it? I’m so confused. But as soon as I ask it, the words No, I have to pray for him pop into my head. What’s happened to him, Lord? Why do I feel so compelled? I don’t get it. Don’t you want me to let him go? Is he even alive? What if he’s dead? Lord, please guide me.
Aw, fuck. I’m tearing up after my last post. FFS, you really broke me. A part of me, at least. Can’t deny my own past self destructive tendencies led me to where I went. But damn, D. I can’t even hate you. I just never could. Dear God, please help him. Please let him find you. Please save him.
It’s frustrating, isn’t it? How the past tends to just creep up on you out of the blue? It’s expected of course, to reminisce or to be reminded of times come to pass every now and then but sometimes, as is the case with me right now, its terribly bittersweet. I was listening to a song and I thought of you. Even now. After all this time, you came to mind. I still feel the pang of hurt, and of love. You were my entirety and my love for you all consuming. I’ve known nothing like it since. You’re in my thoughts and I pray for you still, though admittedly not as much as in the past. Thankfully. How would I move on otherwise? But still, you hold a place in my heart. I wonder what happened to you. Why you suddenly went off the radar again. But I’m not in the position to seek after you anymore. Nor should I. For the benefit of both of us, especially me. In the past, I had regarded you as the love of my life. Sadly. It’s kinda pathetic really. I’d never actually met you. You probably were a fraud, a liar, a lunatic for all I know. I never even saw you. Yet somehow, someway, I fell in love with you and you moved me. I felt joy. I felt utter heartbreak and betrayal. Yes, I felt betrayal. Rejection. A lack of trust. Insecurity. I can’t deny the negatives were there. And I stayed because the feelings I had for you blinded me to all that. You were all I wanted. Looking back now, to say my attachment to you was intense would be an understatement. And it wasn’t necessarily healthy. I felt that without you, I couldn’t function. That I broke or couldn’t be strong on my own. I know now that that isn’t true. I’m a different woman now, strengthened by the trials and losses I’ve faced over time. I may not feel to the intensity that I did, but I feel stable and secure now. I feel in control. After all, while what I felt for you was real, it wasn’t necessarily good for me. Even things that are deadly seem pleasurable in the moment. Just because they make you feel doesn’t mean it’s right. So as thoughts of you came, thoughts of you go. It happened. A part of me is still healing from it. But at least now I can. I’m glad it’s over. And I don’t want to ever go back.
But please, be okay. No matter what, I want you to be okay. I want you to be happy. I don’t want you to be in pain. You weren’t good for me, or good to me. But I loved you. With what I felt was all my heart. And because of that, I’m always going to hope you’re alright. I’m always going to want the best for you.