Sometimes, I still think of you. Pray for you. Hope you’re okay. That you’re alive and well. Sometimes, I wish things didn’t end how they did. But then most times, I see and know why they did. It’s a bittersweet feeling. I close my eyes, lower my head and clutch my hand to my heart. There, I feel a missing piece that will always be with you.
I’ve come to realize that the commitment you give to a relationship you have with another should be no different from the one you have with yourself. The difference, however, is that you’re stuck with one and can’t just ghost yourself when things get rough. You’re put in a situation where you just have to bounce back if you wanna survive and thrive so of course, you put in the effort. If we could just understand that just as we have difficult days where we find it hard to love ourselves, so we will have days where we can’t feel as strongly for those we love. Some days we’re happy, angry, elated, flustered and sad…so how is it that we’re caught off guard when our relationships don’t turn out any different? It’s not always going to be all perfect and peachy. To think so is to believe in an unrealistic ideal that sees the death of so many relationships that needn’t have come to an end if we were to realize our relationships have seasons of their own. Regrettably, this doesn’t seem to be the case. When I look around me, its seems as if lovers quarrel and part ways over simplest things that could have been resolved if they’d been willing to put in a little bit more effort. Why? Because they’re in search of this ridiculous ideal. This illusion of someone they could be with that’s always gonna make them happy, feel good about themselves, and be a breeze to be around. And so they run around in circles, making little to no progress in understanding just what it means to truly love.
Anger. Again. I seem to be consumed by it, and my loved ones are beginning the pay the price once again. There is no going around it. I am abusive, emotionally and verbally. If I don’t stop, I will lose probably one of the best individuals I’ve had the pleasure of coming across. The question is: how? I’m familiar with suggestions such as take deep breaths, focus on the relationship > being right, return to the topic again once calm, de-stress, and so forth to help manage the anger and its consequent impact on others. Being able to achieve that is another thing. I’ve always had a mouth that would go off, had a tendency to manipulate and in those instances would not feel remorseful as I was spewing hatred and obscenities. I just don’t know how to change. It really looks like I’ll have to get back into therapy but with the money being pretty tight at the moment and the expense for that being high it looks like March is a more feasible time to return…I just hope I can help myself along as much as possible until then.
Anger. I’ve always had a problem with it. Understanding it, accepting it, and controlling it. It’s an environment a grew up in. I’m no stranger to it so it’s ironic that I haven’t entirely got the best hold of it 23 years down the road. So I’m writing here again in an effort to help regulate my emotions and understand my thinking. I’m angry at this moment. Just boiling on the inside. For all my talk of faith and Christianity, honestly all I feel in the moment towards our creator is hostility and disappointment. Fuck you, I think to myself. For making it so fucking hard to follow you. Why allow the bloodbath over religion to occur? For allowing doctrine to emerge and develop that justifies some of our acts for killing each other thinking we’re doing right by you. Why leave so many loopholes? For all the shit we have to go through, why couldn’t you make yourself easier to reach? All of this and more for the gift of free will? All I hear in return is that being human I am not capable of understanding God. How is it any of this fair? To be brought into the world and already be condemned a sinner who has to believe a certain doctrine to be saved from something that wasn’t even my fucking fault? To allow me to suffer for shit I did’t start? And to stand by, watch it and allow it and somehow still assert that you love me. I want to believe in you, I do. But there’s so much bullshit about religion that makes it seem more like an illusion or poison than something right and good. How…just how is it that we’re able to justify all those horrid tasks that occurred in the Old Testament. I need a sounder reason, I need evidence to put my soul and life into believing in you. You could just be a fairy tale and I’m torturing myself trying to wrestle with a truth that may not even be out there. Why make it so hard? All of it? Everything? I thank you for the good, while ignoring you allowed the bad. How are you the merciful all loving God everyone portrays you to me? And where are you now to help me? To show me if you really are true and good? How is it that you’re not here with me? That you’ve abandoned me to doubt and disbelief? I feel like those around me are fooling themselves, no one talks about concrete evidence, they just believe all of this in fear of death and supposed damnation. It’s fucking sick, all of it. I’m sick of cherry picking. Religion is divisive and man-made, that’s what the athiests say and honestly God with most people, I don’t see them having any legit reason to believe otherwise. I’m trying, to find out, but deep down I want you to be right and good, I want you to real…and doesn”t that already make me biased in my approach? How can anyone know for sure? Why can’t you just show me? Why make me suffer? Why, just why, make everything so difficult!!!
J1: the hurt, pain, and the emptiness
Am I doing something wrong? I feel like I’m slowly dying inside. Is it just another phase to pass through? I’ll stick it out, of course. But I just wish I didn’t feel so hollow. Like I was constantly missing something. I’m reaching out to the Lord, but I can’t feel him. There’s something stopping me and I can’t quite pinpoint what it is. God, where are you? Why can’t I reach you? Feel you? I’m afraid. I feel cut off and alone even though I know deep down that you’re there. It’s funny how when times like this come, a verse comes to mind. Just now, this particular one did: Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. (Psalm 23:4). A wave of comfort envelops me. I’m still hurting inside, but feel less alone…
2018. Gotta get used to writing that number down on the dates now and rubbing the 7 away. Always takes me a good few months to do it habitually. So here we are, last day of the year and I’m ending this one feeling very loved up. It’s been quite the year, to say the least. I’ve had some of the best and worst moments of my life unfold in 2017. Thankfully though, I’ve come out stronger for it. A more formidable force to take on the upheavals life throws my way. I also realized that I got to travel this year more than I ever have before. Just January this year, I was getting ready to celebrate the New Year in the States, before I headed off to Bali with the girls early in the summer and then to Seoul and Istanbul as the holidays were coming to an end. To top it all off, my love even visited me in late November, and we got to have our own little gateaway (staycation for me) here in Hong Kong as well as a short trip to nearby Macau! It was all very magical. And now I’m looking at the date I’m gearing up to fly back to Istanbul again come late February during Chinese New Year. It’s all so exciting! It’s also my last year at school so I’m hoping and praying that things will gradually become clearer in the next year and I’ll be well on my way to building upon myself and life to come! I’m really very grateful as I recall the year that’s come to pass and simultaneously surprised of what I’ve overcome. Unbelievable really…just to think how much can drastically change in such a short span of time. Thank you, Lord for staying by me and getting me through it all. You and my family, have gotten me to where I am today. I couldn’t have done it without you. And so going into the new year, I pray that I will stay close to you and take all I’ve learned in the last year to heart.
On another note, I’ve been feeling weirdly disconnected lately. From God. I wonder if it’s related to a decline in my mood and a lack of motivation. Maybe, maybe not. I don’t know. I know it did start when I decided to sod it and engage in premarital sex when my boyfriend flew over though. Sin separates us from God, they say. I believe it. At the time, I was just kind of fed up by feeling so restrained and like I was a super good person. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Heck, it’s great to be a good person. I wish I was a better person. But it just didn’t feel like me. Surely there has to be a way to follow God’s wishes without compromising aspects of my personality that I feel are more interesting? I dunno…I guess I don’t really like feeling like I’ve lost my individual identity. I feel like I’ve conformed and flattened my character down. There’s got to be a way to balance it surely? Am I just going about it the wrong way? Viewing it differently from how I really should? I feel frustrated. And when I’m frustrated, I feel caught at a standstill. Argh. Just. ARGH.
Again, caffeine. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned already but I’m supposed to steer clear of the stuff. Supposed to. Yet I never really do, save for days when I’m more anxious than normal. Like on the date of a presentation, for instance. But I shouldn’t really anyway. It spikes me up when I’d otherwise be more calm. So why do I do it? Well, for one, it wakes me up a little. I’m highly sensitive to the weather and what with it being chilly and gray over here at the moment, I’m feeling incredibly lethargic and sluggish…which is another way of saying, downright lazy. In my case, anyway. So I need it. At least that’s what I tell myself. I probably don’t really. I hear exercise is just as, if not more effective when it comes to energizing oneself and bettering mental health so I really should get around to it. Again, here I go with the I shoulds and supposed to…yet it’s often the case I barely lift a finger. When the holidays roll over, I’ll do it is what I tell myself. Previously, I’d been so busy with all the deadlines and the practicum placement that I genuinely didn’t have the time to. But now with that out of the way, a part of me still wants to use that excuse. I finished my last deadline the day before and the exams are a month away so in all honesty, there is nothing but a lack of will power and self-discipline stopping me. Improved health and well-being should be enough of a reason to motivate me to getting around to it but it just isn’t. It’s quite sad, really. That I only really pay attention to my health when it’s under dire circumstances. Shouldn’t be that way. Sigh. I know this, I see this, so why can’t I fucking get myself to do anything about it? My room’s a pig sty as we speak. Doesn’t help in the whole getting my shit together mood. Biggest accomplishments of the day was buying my boyfriend a model of an early plane (he loves planes), helping my sister with an assignment and getting Christmas cards to friends and lecturers out of the way. I could do more. I should do more. There we go again, with the shoulds. Hopefully, when I come back on here – which I suspect won’t be much later, I’ll have made some improvement. At least, I hope I can share that I’ve done my room.
Why am I never satisfied? Didn’t I crave normalcy? Am I so broken? If it’s not one, it’s the other. I should be happy. I have reason to be. So why then, am I not?