What do you do? When you’ve shamed and disappointed yourself and God? When you’ve acted the exact opposite of what you hope to be? I’m aching inside. Hurting from the guilt and shame of my actions and words. I’ve been trying to live as best as I can in Christ and yet here I stumbled. I behaved so badly that now I cannot bare to face God. To speak to him, to pray. I feel overwhelming sadness mixed with disgust. I was as if a woman possessed spewing atrocities and screaming damnation at my sister. I was so fraught with anger that my father and sister felt the need to keep an eye on me, should I lay a hand against my wicked sister. Of course, that’s how I viewed her – as a wicked and spiteful bitch. A bible verse comes to mind when I think back on the situation. From Matthew chapter 7 verse 3: “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” Here I was yelling profanities and threatening my sister, harshly reprimanding her for poor attitude and behavior when I was behaving much worse. At least, on the surface. Regardless, I should uphold my own standard. I shouldn’t have taken on the role of judge and the aggressor. The things I said…I can’t bear to think of now. Disgusting. How could I have called her out when I had treated someone so unjustly? I didn’t just stoop down to her level, I surpassed her…and it was sickening. I’m disturbed. To see that side of me and know the anger I’m capable of. The malicious intent…what happened? Wasn’t I on track? How did I manage to lose such control and give in? Just…how? And now, what? What do I do about how heavy I feel? The dejection? God, help me. I know I don’t deserve you. Your love, your mercy. It’s undeserving. I know how I behaved was appalling. And in your eyes, undoubtedly disappointing because first and foremost any sin against someone else is a sin against you. Lord, please, have mercy on me. Allow me to feel the full sadness of what I have done so that I may take ownership of it. Please. Stay with me, keep the light on in the midst of the dark. Shine on me so that I learn from such a mistake and gain greater control of my emotions. Please God, let me live as you please. Please forgive me and change my heart. Please.
Ugh…haven’t been able to get a proper dose of sleep the last few days. Blame on the typhoon and the rainfall splattering heavily against my air conditioner…I’ve had a restless few days no doubt. Not to mention all the tossing and turning throughout the night. You’d think I was in the middle of a wrestling match with some invisible opponent if you saw me…which I suppose isn’t too far from the truth. See, I have been wrestling. And again it’s with my faith. Why is it that the more I immerse myself further into the path that I believe leads to God, the more questions I have and the more conflicted I feel? Hell. Everlasting damnation in hell to those that don’t repent and proclaim Christ as their savior. It’s bothering me. My Muslim boyfriend, my agnostic/”christian atheist (it’s an unofficial term)…is that really what their fate is to be? And how can I live with that? I just doesn’t feel right to sit on the wayside and just let it be if they haven’t the interest, but it’s also counterproductive to push anyone when they’re not ready or not even slightly interested…so…what exactly do I do and how do I not let this bother me? I run the options through my mind. Focus on getting close to God, exercising faith and embodying it in a way that glorifies God…be there for those who are searching (in this case, I really gotta brush up on my biblical knowledge because sooner or later I’m to give accounts to attest to why I believe what I do)…why do I feel that the more I learn, the more accountable I’m gonna be held? So many questions, to which the answers I do not claim to hold because quite frankly, I’m confused. Still lacking in knowledge. Still in some fear and doubt. It’s a process on its own, the path to Christ. Probably nothing up to this point makes much sense but free writing was meant to be more liberating and expressive than to be portrayed in any systematic and logical manner….digressing again…I guess it really just comes down to me feeling afraid for those I love, mixed in with a bit of helplessness over not really knowing how to help them…God, I’m lost. Please guide me. While I feel inwardly stronger with you by my side, I also feel slightly estranged from those I hold most dear. Please save them, God. Please let them see the light. And please tell me what I can do to help.
To say I feel pretty low right now would be a great understatement. I feel wretched. More than I would have expected. See, the more I come to read about God and feel as if I am coming closer to Him, the more slighted I feel when I’ve knowingly done something I know He would not approve of. How can I identify as Christian when I don’t practice what I preach? How can I say I love God when I disobey his commands? I feel ashamed and alone. It’s the 21st century, after all. This is definitely not a popular opinion at this time. Many would accuse me of being orthodox and perhaps rather absurd to think that such a rule could still apply. “Everyone does it!” or “You’ve got to remember it was written over 2000 years ago! Surely that can’t apply anymore!”, or even “You’re not hurting anybody! You’re doing it out of love!” are a few of the common things that I hear in return on the subject. Of course, it hasn’t really made me feel any better about it. Just because a large majority people condone it and engage in it doesn’t make it acceptable. I’m not going to agree with it on that basis alone. As for the second comment, if we were to think along that line then there’s many other things that we can just disregard in the teachings. And who are we to pick and choose? Surely, God would know that things would change in time…and yet it’s there in His Word. How can it no longer apply? Because most people do it? Because we all think it’s virtually impossible to find love if we don’t give up sex in the relationship? Nah, I just don’t buy that argument either. And so we come to love. And it it’s true, I love him and sex can be so joyful to do together…but if we really love each other…why the hurry? Why not do it in a marriage when we have fully committed to one another? Why not just wait? Why didn’t I wait? Did it do it out of fear of losing my partner? Because if he leaves me over that, then it can’t be true love surely? His desire for sex would have come before me. Did I just do it out of lust? Well…yeah…not a great reason to keep at it, huh? Don’t get me wrong. I’m no saint nor am I under any illusion that abstaining is easy. I haven’t yet succeeded myself. Before coming to Christ and mulling over whatever I could to answer my doubts, I was pretty sexually active with multiple sex partners under my belt. The majority…I regret to say…I didn’t even love. So I’m fully aware of what it is on the other side and I’ve still come to the conclusion that it’s…just not worth it in the long run despite seeming alright and hey, pretty fun at the time. I just ask God to please give me the strength to succeed and stick to what I believe is right on this one. It definitely won’t be an easy task and I reckon I’ll fail a lot…but I pray that I don’t give up and that I keep trying. The worst thing for me would be to just have that nonchalant attitude again and convince myself that “It’s just sex!” because religious or not, I did notice after each time regardless of who it was with, I felt a bit more dead on the inside. I felt cut off. And now that I have come to Christ, I realize this feeling is one of distance from God. And that’s a far greater shame.
Another fucking spike. Seriously, what gives? It’s genuinely making me outright angry. I tell myself to cool down but there are days when it can just be really exhausting. Here I am, minding my own business thinking about how I’m having a better day than yesterday when BAM, back with a flurry of those thoughts. I know I’m not supposed to attribute any meanings to them and simply take them as a thought but when you’ve relaxed just a wee bit seeing as things have seemed to improve in regards to my overall quality of life and then having it come right at you like a blazing ball of fire is definitely something that takes you aback. So as you can see, I’m not too hard on myself for not having acceptance be my go to reaction. And I won’t deny my feelings. This recovery process isn’t all sunshine and daises…there are points in time when it is just plain frustrating and I can’t help but resentfully cuss at its re-occurrence and that I even have to deal with it in the first place. Honestly, at this moment I’m feeling what I assume the hulk feels like when he’s raging away. All I wanna do is smash the place up…though of course, the spike hasn’t completely given over to irrationality and there’s my logical side telling me that there aren’t many merits if I do that. Not to mention the shame and guilt I’d feel once I’d calmed down. Obviously, it doesn’t bode well to let the anger stick around for too long because I need to adopt a more progressive mindset if I’m to get back up. But in this moment, I’m in pain and it calls to be felt. Here’s to me getting to guts to open up to it again so it can be released. I won’t lie, it’s a terrifying process what have you, this is my cross to bear.
Had a reasonably rough day yesterday. I say it’s the PMS but my sister accuses me of using it as a crutch. I beg to differ. It’s just that I simply cannot find any other explanation for it. Each month, around the time I’m expected to go through the PMS period, I experience a whirlwind of emotions that make me feel like I’m permanently strapped to an ongoing roller coaster. Then there’s the flurry of racing thoughts which by no means make me feel any more comfortable than I already do, then of course the palpitating heart, the backaches…I could go on. In a nutshell, I’m left feeling like my head is spinning, I can’t think straight and I’m so worried the slightest thing is going to set me off. And if you’ve read any of the previous posts you’d know that I suffer from intrusive disturbing thoughts (now though, it’s lessened – woohoo!) so the combination of racing thoughts and a fear of a loss of control is less than ideal. Though I suppose the worst thing about the whole ordeal is how negative I am about the world and everyone in it. It’s like this switch of malice, anger, and hate just gets flipped against my will. And I just have to sit in my body teeming with all this heavy energy going on. It is overwhelming. I feel like a hot pot of boiling water that’s been cooking for too long and now the lids about to pop off and I’ve got to make sure I keep the lid on…so yes, on the inside I’d feel exactly as that enclosed pot of hot boiling water would be, ready to blow. So I guess my real issue now is to understand moving forward just what in the world I’m supposed to do. As you can probably imagine, it’s not only my own well-being that suffers during the process but my relationship with others as well. Honestly though, I just don’t know what to do. I’ll be seeing my psychologist tomorrow so I guess I can bring it up then…I’d really like to get a hang on my state when the anxiety just seems to soar sky high. At least…today’s a little bit better so far.
“Whatever you resist, persists.” It’s a simple enough concept, right? Terribly difficult to put into practice though, especially when you’ve got an anxiety disorder. For those that don’t know, I’ve suffered from intrusive disturbing thoughts over the last few months since the beginning of March that had left be crippled from within and contemplating death (at the time). Now while it’s less intense and I’ve learned to manage it better, I still can’t shake the residue of what is left. “On edge” is how I constantly describe myself. I’ve been incredibly frustrated with the length of this process of recovery despite having made remarkable improvements back to “normalcy”, or as close as I can get under the circumstances. I realize now that I’d still be resisting how I’d been feeling the entire time by bottling up the fear and anxiety…and anyone who knows about anxiety can tell you this is the exact opposite of what you’re recommend to do. It only fuels more anxiety, which in my case tends to manifest itself into these thoughts…which again, only perpetuates more anxiety, more thoughts and more stress, creating a seemingly never-ending vicious cycle that has left me feeling torn up from within. To protect myself, my heart has gone hard and no longer see or feel the way I used to about the world and life on it. And quite frankly…I am so tired of it. What kind of way is this to live? “Seek, and ye shall find” (Matthew 7:7) is one of my favorite bible verses. It reminds me that I don’t have to stay in this predicament, that there is a way to overcome it. All I have to do is go looking. But to do that, I’ve got to first open my heart to be able to take in whatever I’ve got to learn.
Emotional healing. I need it desperately. As for where it goes from here and how I get that, stay tuned…because even I don’t know.
So I’m trying to get in a habit of writing each day again. It’s a good outlet and helps me keep my thoughts organized. Yesterday was a pretty decent day. Started it off (though hurriedly as I was late) at an interview where, as a part of an assignment, we interviewed three parents on their experiences raising a deaf child. We discussed the quality of the early intervention programs in the city, as well as what they thought the government could do more in supporting families with children who have special needs. It was enlightening, and a very rich source of information that we’ll be sure to carefully and accurately share with the class because their perspective is so valuable and they deserve to be heard, especially by teachers in training. To the teachers, they gave their message of hope in that we would be patient and understanding with kids such as their own. Their lives aren’t easy, and our support would help ease the struggles they undoubtedly have to face in a society with still such limited support for SEN students, and which is grossly uneducated on special educational needs and the lives of families who have them.
Good morning! It’s almost 7 am and here I’m groggy as ever after having just managed to get myself up and out of bed and downstairs onto the…sofa. Well, baby steps. I’ll get up soon, I promise! At least I’m out of the room. I take a deep breath and sleepily take in my surroundings. There’s my cat Rue meowing away next me at to the foot of the sofa and my mother trying to make conversation as she fills herself a glass from the water cooler straight ahead. The fan is on its highest grade, and away over the head of the sofa I can hear the birds chirping through the window. What’s today have in store for me? I wonder. I know that I’ve an early day and have to get to TKO for a group project on interviewing parents on their experiences of raising a child with SEN in Hong Kong, then after I’m supposed to have lunch with a friend before he flies off to the UK for a year (though I now see I may have to reschedule as I’ve just remembered I have the interview), then perhaps I’ll head over to school early to get ahead on some assignments before my afternoon academic writing class. Sounds semi-productive. I could do more though. I’ve been meaning to especially make an effort to get back in shape. My last few trips out of the country (to Bali and Istanbul) have made me a bit of glutton and despite being back home for a good few weeks already, my body still demands on getting the same amount of food I consume on holiday…and I give in to it. Well, that’s got to change. Discipline. I’ll also have to formulate a plan on just exactly how to do that. I seem to work better whenever I have strict guidelines to adhere to. In the meantime, however, just making healthier food choices would be a priority. I could definitely take in more water and fruits, two things terribly lacking in my daily diet. Hmm…well, enough about food. I should probably get up and get dressed. At this rate I won’t make the morning mass so I’ll have to follow up on my own for today’s readings. Or if I’ve the time I could pop over to St. John Cathedral in Central. There won’t be a mass but sitting there is very calming. Ten past seven now, I’ll see if I can sneak in or short nap before I have to make my way out…
I’m not feeling so great today. I’ve allowed the stress and exhaustion to mount up and haven’t been dealing with it in a healthy way. I could be exercising, journaling, meditating, but instead I’m giving in to being irritable, snapping at a loved one who didn’t deserve it, venting out frustrations through lust, etc. And so I don’t feel as close to God today, not right now at least and that’s my own doing for sin distances us and I know this. I’m aware of it, but I still do it. I watch myself consciously do what I know I shouldn’t. Why? Why is this self-destructive pattern in me? Please God, help me to curb this so I can behave in a way that pleases you and not the other way around. I need your guidance, for I am often lost and frustrated. Impatient and therefore do not properly think decisions through. Lord, I ask that you guide me through your will today and the next days. Thanks be to you, O Lord. Amen.
How does it happen this way? When you hear someone say, and even though you try to convince yourself…it just doesn’t feel like it would ever be so. When you’re told it’ll pass, that it’s temporary. At the time, I just couldn’t believe it. No matter how many people told me. No matter how many times I tried to convince myself. Deep down, I didn’t believe it. But now here mere months later, the wounds in my body, mind, and soul have begun to heal. I don’t feel…glitchy anymore. Is this real? Have I really overcome it? I don’t look back. I have to leave it behind me, I tell myself. Take what I learnt from it and never forget. Finish off with the medication and continue on therapy but focus on forward. I’m here. And I’m no longer just clinging on. I’m on a solid platform, and before me I can now see what I thought I’d never again…infinite possibilities.