Uh, that Milo drink…yeah, for the lactose intolerant it definitely wasn’t the best idea. Can’t help myself sometimes, everything that tastes heavenly to me just happens to contain well, lactose. It’s only after that I cuss myself for having done it again. It’s just that soy or almond milk doesn’t cut it sometimes. Taste wise, anyway. Or maybe that’s just me. I can be quite picky. Hmm on another note that doesn’t involve my stomach troubles and a lack of discipline in regards to what I consume, it’s a swell day. It’s not too hot or cold, the sun is out and there’s a nice breeze going about. No doubt my cat’s realized it’s the perfect weather and so he’s been yeowling nonstop to go out and explore. I try to give him a good dose of the outdoors as often as possible but lately he’s been a bit of handful dashing across the neighbor’s fields and beyond. I don’t fancy climbing over fencing and trekking after him just this moment. I think he realizes this but my cat gives persistence a whole new meaning. It’s almost admirable. Let’s see…what’s on the agenda today…well, I’ve a persuasive speech to work on that’s due this afternoon, and need to attend a class where I’ll be watching a peer perform hers…other than that, yup it’s a pretty chill day so I’ll be heading out after to see one of my bests at her boyfriend’s place with a few others. I say her boyfriend’s place but it’s practically theirs now. He’s leaving soon, the guy. In just a few days time. To Holland for a masters’ program. Won’t be easy for her, no doubt but I reckon and hope she’ll adjust. I just sent my own a few days ago back to Turkey on Saturday. It’s not easy. I’m still adjusting to not having him by me. But a routine, friends, and family definitely go miles in readjusting. Looking at the time now, I’ve less than an hour to get off my bum, get ready, and be on the ferry. On second thought, maybe it isn’t so warm. Well, the thought of having a shower in this weather makes me shiver. It’s only 16 degrees, but that’s enough for me. Never took to kindly to the cold. Till a later post, then.
There it is again, that solid footing. I feel the ground beneath me and now I’m safe. I open my eyes and see myself high up on a mountain. All the world lies before me. Icy mountains stretch out before me, but I’m not cold. The cool wind envelops me in its warmth. In the distance, I see the sea, dancing along with the rhythm of my heart. I am alone, yet I don’t feel that way. God is with me. Behind me. Around me. In me. I’m never truly alone. I let out a hoot and laugh. I step towards the edge, stretch my arms out wide to my side and fall. Eyes closed, I feel the rush of the air against my face, my entire body. It’s thrilling. I squeal in joy and just before I hit the ground, I open my eyes and feel wings burst from my back. Hollering in triumph I spin upwards, swaying with ease to both my left and right. My eyes are on the shore. I’m coming home. At long last. I see them all. Smiling, waiting expectantly. I shoot forward, eyes on all the love welcoming me back.
I’m here on the sofa, craning my neck to get a good view of the screen which I’ve propped up on my lap. My back is aching and my breath reeks of indomie. I feel like a lump of laze today. I’ve not really done anything productive in terms of schoolwork. Haven’t lifted a finger to get even the slightest bit done in my guidebook and yet time is ticking. Abdu will be here in about ten days and so I should get working on my personal goal to get my work done well before the deadlines so I can spend time with him without having the fret about. And yet…here I am just lazing away, not really doing anything but watching and reading over the last two days. I can do better. But I’m so tired. I’ve had two weeks of practicum placement, surely I deserve a break? I try to argue with myself but even I know that the full day before and half day so for today is sufficient enough. I need to push myself is all. The problem is just that I don’t want to.
Just gotta give it time I think. It’ll come and go less frequently. I just have to find a deal when it comes over me again and let it pass over me like a wave. I have no desire to go back. I know that. I am not in love with him, either. I know that. I’m really happy with where I’m at the moment and who I’m with. They’re just memories that waft in and out every now and then.
Why can’t I forget? Why did you suddenly disappear? What happened to you? I don’t understand it. Why do I still fucking care? Why can’t I leave you behind? Why do I still think of you? Why can’t I let go? Lord, what significance is he supposed to represent to me? What is your will? What do I do? Do I just pray? Is that what you want? For me to pray for him? But Lord, how do I let him go if he’s always in my prayers? I don’t understand it. And I don’t understand why I feel called to do it. Or am I just imagining it? I’m so confused. But as soon as I ask it, the words No, I have to pray for him pop into my head. What’s happened to him, Lord? Why do I feel so compelled? I don’t get it. Don’t you want me to let him go? Is he even alive? What if he’s dead? Lord, please guide me.
Aw, fuck. I’m tearing up after my last post. FFS, you really broke me. A part of me, at least. Can’t deny my own past self destructive tendencies led me to where I went. But damn, D. I can’t even hate you. I just never could. Dear God, please help him. Please let him find you. Please save him.
It’s frustrating, isn’t it? How the past tends to just creep up on you out of the blue? It’s expected of course, to reminisce or to be reminded of times come to pass every now and then but sometimes, as is the case with me right now, its terribly bittersweet. I was listening to a song and I thought of you. Even now. After all this time, you came to mind. I still feel the pang of hurt, and of love. You were my entirety and my love for you all consuming. I’ve known nothing like it since. You’re in my thoughts and I pray for you still, though admittedly not as much as in the past. Thankfully. How would I move on otherwise? But still, you hold a place in my heart. I wonder what happened to you. Why you suddenly went off the radar again. But I’m not in the position to seek after you anymore. Nor should I. For the benefit of both of us, especially me. In the past, I had regarded you as the love of my life. Sadly. It’s kinda pathetic really. I’d never actually met you. You probably were a fraud, a liar, a lunatic for all I know. I never even saw you. Yet somehow, someway, I fell in love with you and you moved me. I felt joy. I felt utter heartbreak and betrayal. Yes, I felt betrayal. Rejection. A lack of trust. Insecurity. I can’t deny the negatives were there. And I stayed because the feelings I had for you blinded me to all that. You were all I wanted. Looking back now, to say my attachment to you was intense would be an understatement. And it wasn’t necessarily healthy. I felt that without you, I couldn’t function. That I broke or couldn’t be strong on my own. I know now that that isn’t true. I’m a different woman now, strengthened by the trials and losses I’ve faced over time. I may not feel to the intensity that I did, but I feel stable and secure now. I feel in control. After all, while what I felt for you was real, it wasn’t necessarily good for me. Even things that are deadly seem pleasurable in the moment. Just because they make you feel doesn’t mean it’s right. So as thoughts of you came, thoughts of you go. It happened. A part of me is still healing from it. But at least now I can. I’m glad it’s over. And I don’t want to ever go back.
But please, be okay. No matter what, I want you to be okay. I want you to be happy. I don’t want you to be in pain. You weren’t good for me, or good to me. But I loved you. With what I felt was all my heart. And because of that, I’m always going to hope you’re alright. I’m always going to want the best for you.
What do you do? When you’ve shamed and disappointed yourself and God? When you’ve acted the exact opposite of what you hope to be? I’m aching inside. Hurting from the guilt and shame of my actions and words. I’ve been trying to live as best as I can in Christ and yet here I stumbled. I behaved so badly that now I cannot bare to face God. To speak to him, to pray. I feel overwhelming sadness mixed with disgust. I was as if a woman possessed spewing atrocities and screaming damnation at my sister. I was so fraught with anger that my father and sister felt the need to keep an eye on me, should I lay a hand against my wicked sister. Of course, that’s how I viewed her – as a wicked and spiteful bitch. A bible verse comes to mind when I think back on the situation. From Matthew chapter 7 verse 3: “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” Here I was yelling profanities and threatening my sister, harshly reprimanding her for poor attitude and behavior when I was behaving much worse. At least, on the surface. Regardless, I should uphold my own standard. I shouldn’t have taken on the role of judge and the aggressor. The things I said…I can’t bear to think of now. Disgusting. How could I have called her out when I had treated someone so unjustly? I didn’t just stoop down to her level, I surpassed her…and it was sickening. I’m disturbed. To see that side of me and know the anger I’m capable of. The malicious intent…what happened? Wasn’t I on track? How did I manage to lose such control and give in? Just…how? And now, what? What do I do about how heavy I feel? The dejection? God, help me. I know I don’t deserve you. Your love, your mercy. It’s undeserving. I know how I behaved was appalling. And in your eyes, undoubtedly disappointing because first and foremost any sin against someone else is a sin against you. Lord, please, have mercy on me. Allow me to feel the full sadness of what I have done so that I may take ownership of it. Please. Stay with me, keep the light on in the midst of the dark. Shine on me so that I learn from such a mistake and gain greater control of my emotions. Please God, let me live as you please. Please forgive me and change my heart. Please.
Ugh…haven’t been able to get a proper dose of sleep the last few days. Blame on the typhoon and the rainfall splattering heavily against my air conditioner…I’ve had a restless few days no doubt. Not to mention all the tossing and turning throughout the night. You’d think I was in the middle of a wrestling match with some invisible opponent if you saw me…which I suppose isn’t too far from the truth. See, I have been wrestling. And again it’s with my faith. Why is it that the more I immerse myself further into the path that I believe leads to God, the more questions I have and the more conflicted I feel? Hell. Everlasting damnation in hell to those that don’t repent and proclaim Christ as their savior. It’s bothering me. My Muslim boyfriend, my agnostic/”christian atheist (it’s an unofficial term)…is that really what their fate is to be? And how can I live with that? I just doesn’t feel right to sit on the wayside and just let it be if they haven’t the interest, but it’s also counterproductive to push anyone when they’re not ready or not even slightly interested…so…what exactly do I do and how do I not let this bother me? I run the options through my mind. Focus on getting close to God, exercising faith and embodying it in a way that glorifies God…be there for those who are searching (in this case, I really gotta brush up on my biblical knowledge because sooner or later I’m to give accounts to attest to why I believe what I do)…why do I feel that the more I learn, the more accountable I’m gonna be held? So many questions, to which the answers I do not claim to hold because quite frankly, I’m confused. Still lacking in knowledge. Still in some fear and doubt. It’s a process on its own, the path to Christ. Probably nothing up to this point makes much sense but free writing was meant to be more liberating and expressive than to be portrayed in any systematic and logical manner….digressing again…I guess it really just comes down to me feeling afraid for those I love, mixed in with a bit of helplessness over not really knowing how to help them…God, I’m lost. Please guide me. While I feel inwardly stronger with you by my side, I also feel slightly estranged from those I hold most dear. Please save them, God. Please let them see the light. And please tell me what I can do to help.
To say I feel pretty low right now would be a great understatement. I feel wretched. More than I would have expected. See, the more I come to read about God and feel as if I am coming closer to Him, the more slighted I feel when I’ve knowingly done something I know He would not approve of. How can I identify as Christian when I don’t practice what I preach? How can I say I love God when I disobey his commands? I feel ashamed and alone. It’s the 21st century, after all. This is definitely not a popular opinion at this time. Many would accuse me of being orthodox and perhaps rather absurd to think that such a rule could still apply. “Everyone does it!” or “You’ve got to remember it was written over 2000 years ago! Surely that can’t apply anymore!”, or even “You’re not hurting anybody! You’re doing it out of love!” are a few of the common things that I hear in return on the subject. Of course, it hasn’t really made me feel any better about it. Just because a large majority people condone it and engage in it doesn’t make it acceptable. I’m not going to agree with it on that basis alone. As for the second comment, if we were to think along that line then there’s many other things that we can just disregard in the teachings. And who are we to pick and choose? Surely, God would know that things would change in time…and yet it’s there in His Word. How can it no longer apply? Because most people do it? Because we all think it’s virtually impossible to find love if we don’t give up sex in the relationship? Nah, I just don’t buy that argument either. And so we come to love. And it it’s true, I love him and sex can be so joyful to do together…but if we really love each other…why the hurry? Why not do it in a marriage when we have fully committed to one another? Why not just wait? Why didn’t I wait? Did it do it out of fear of losing my partner? Because if he leaves me over that, then it can’t be true love surely? His desire for sex would have come before me. Did I just do it out of lust? Well…yeah…not a great reason to keep at it, huh? Don’t get me wrong. I’m no saint nor am I under any illusion that abstaining is easy. I haven’t yet succeeded myself. Before coming to Christ and mulling over whatever I could to answer my doubts, I was pretty sexually active with multiple sex partners under my belt. The majority…I regret to say…I didn’t even love. So I’m fully aware of what it is on the other side and I’ve still come to the conclusion that it’s…just not worth it in the long run despite seeming alright and hey, pretty fun at the time. I just ask God to please give me the strength to succeed and stick to what I believe is right on this one. It definitely won’t be an easy task and I reckon I’ll fail a lot…but I pray that I don’t give up and that I keep trying. The worst thing for me would be to just have that nonchalant attitude again and convince myself that “It’s just sex!” because religious or not, I did notice after each time regardless of who it was with, I felt a bit more dead on the inside. I felt cut off. And now that I have come to Christ, I realize this feeling is one of distance from God. And that’s a far greater shame.